Robert Orben quotes
born March 4, 1927; American comedy writer
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in
If I'm not there, I go to work.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know
which way is down.
I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do
it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent,
back auto payments.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and
what's the first thing you do? Turn
out the lights!
Don't smoke too much, drink too much,
eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road
to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
Life was a lot simpler when what we
honored was father and mother rather than all major
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it
wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
My wife never lies about her age. She
just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies
about my age.
I don't see why religion and science
can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings
with a computer?
What if the meek inherited the Earth and
we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
A graduation ceremony is an event where
the commencement speaker tells thousands of
students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.
There are days when it takes all you've
got just to keep up with the losers.
It's amazing how important your job is
when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is
when you want a raise.
Older people shouldn't
eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Never raise your hand
to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Quit worrying about
your health. It'll go away.
The Playboy calendar
this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they'd tip.
There are only two
kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists
know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
Things are getting so
confused out there, they ought to call it the Muddle East.
All rock 'n' roll
singers sound like a nudist backing into a cold-nosed dog - set to music.
If those scientists are all so smart,
why do they all count backwards?
To err is human - and
to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I had a terrible fight with my wife on
New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I
finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet,
the first thing you lose is your temper?
Remember the days when you let your
child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal?
Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
I may be forty, but every morning when I
get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately,
there's never one around.
I take my children everywhere, but they
always find their way back home.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole
world is against me, but deep down I know that's not
true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
Time flies. It is up to you to be the
I got a Valentine's
Day card from my girl. It said, "Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my
lips!" Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
A vacation is having
nothing to do and all day to do it in.