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Dr. Robert A. Glover quotes

American writer, author of "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about 
pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if
they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fullfilled
. Sound
too good to be true? It is.
Robert A. Glover

The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys frequently do the
opposite of what works. By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no
one - including themselves.
Robert A. Glover

There is no "key" to a smooth life. Being "good" or doing it "right" doesn't insulate Nice Guys
from the chaotic, ever-changing realities of life. All the Nice Guy paradigm does is ceate
wimpy men who allow bullies to kick sand in their face or shame them for loading the
dishwasher "wrong."
Robert A. Glover

Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
Robert A. Glover

As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable.
He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of
what is called cognitive dissonance. When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is
doing something that implies he is valuable. This will conflict with his deeply held belief that
he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance - a clashing of two competing
messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being
good to themselves, no matter how frightening.
Robert A. Glover

Breaking Free: Activity 7
Consider these questions: Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and
still love you? How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would
never leave you or stop loving you - no matter what?
Robert A. Glover

Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
Robert A. Glover

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome isn't about going from one extreme to another. The
process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn't involve becoming "not
nice." Rather, it means becoming "integrated." Being integrated means being able to accept
all aspects of one's self.
Robert A. Glover

Nice guys are whimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it's true.
Robert A. Glover

If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
Robert A. Glover

As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering:
- Suffering because they avoid new situations
- Suffering because they stay with the familiar
- Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start
- Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked
   in the past
- Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable.
Robert A. Glover

Contrary to the prevailing sentiments of the last few decades, it is OK to be a guy.
Robert A. Glover

Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on
learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority. Most Nice Guys are
astonished when I tell them that it is healthy to have needs, and that mature people make
getting their needs met a priority. Sometimes I have to repeat this truth many times in order
for it to sink in.
Robert A. Glover

Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.
Robert A. Glover

All Nice Guys are faced with a dilemma: How can they keep the fact that they have needs
hidden, but still create situations in which they have some hope of getting their needs met?
Robert A. Glover

Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act
inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys
try to fix the situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being
Robert A. Glover

If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
Robert A. Glover

Nice Guys tend to be disconnected from their masculinity. I define masculinity as that part of
a man that eqips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species. Without this masculine
energy we would have all become extinct eons ago. Masculinity empowers a man to create
and produce. It also empowers him to provide for and protect those who are important to
him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence,
and integrity.
Robert A. Glover

Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal
power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.
Robert A. Glover

Whatever you do, do it one hundred percent.
Robert A. Glover

Fathers need to take their sons hunting and fishing, work on cars with them, take them to 
work, coach their teams, take them to ball games, work out with them, take them on
business trips, and let them tag along with them when they go out with the guys. All of these
activities help boys move successfully into the male world.
Robert A. Glover

As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a
door to start getting what they really want in love and life.
Robert A. Glover

Seeking women's approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship. Nice
Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If
she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel
anxious until she feels better. This connection runs so deep that many Nice Guys have told
me that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner is not.
Robert A. Glover

If it frightens you, do it.
Robert A. Glover

One of the most visible consequences of the repression of masculine energy in Nice Guys is
their lack of leadership in their families. Out of fear of upsetting their partner or appearing too
much like their controlling, authoritarian, or abusive fathers, Nice Guys frequently fail to be
the leader their family needs.
Robert A. Glover

Recovering Nice Guys can show their daughters what a real man looks like. Girls benefit by
seeing their fathers set boundaries, ask for what they want in clear and direct ways, work
hard, create, produce, have male friends, and make their own needs a priority. As with little
boys, girls can learn what it means to be a male both by watching their fathers and by
interacting with them. This modeling will have a positive influence on their choice of future
Robert A. Glover