Your source for famous proverbs
Currently featuring 40,281 quotes and sayings

Yakov Smirnoff quotes

born 24 January 1951, Soviet-born American writer and comedian

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with
other men. There is a three-year waiting list.
Yakov Smirnoff

I told a friend I was getting married, and he said, "Have you picked a date yet?" I said, "Wow,
you can bring a date to your own wedding? What a country!"
Yakov Smirnoff

Vodka is for Russians what therapy is for Americans: habit-forming and it destroys your ability
to live a normal life.
Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia is freedom of speech. In America is also freedom after speech.
Yakov Smirnoff

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there.
They are dead, but they are there.
Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia, we had only two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two
consisted of a KGB officer telling you, "Turn back immediately to Channel One."
Yakov Smirnoff

The ad in the paper said, "Big sale. Last week." Why advertise? I already missed it. They're
just rubbing it in.
Yakov Smirnoff

In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the
reason we stop laughing.
Yakov Smirnoff

I fed my ego, but not my soul.
Yakov Smirnoff

My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding
high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love.
Yakov Smirnoff

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the
woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.
Yakov Smirnoff

We have a saying in Russia: "Women are like buses." That's it.
Yakov Smirnoff

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like
showering.
Yakov Smirnoff

If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.
Yakov Smirnoff

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!
Yakov Smirnoff

In America you eat cow. In soviet Russia cow eats you!
Yakov Smirnoff

In soviet Russia, baby give birth to you!
Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
Yakov Smirnoff

In America, you check books out of library. In Soviet Union, library check you out.
Yakov Smirnoff

In soviet Russia, woman penetrates you!
Yakov Smirnoff

In the US, you can catch a cold. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!
Yakov Smirnoff

Russian women: At 20, they look 40. At 40, they look 60. At 60 - don't look.
Yakov Smirnoff

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the
size of the heart.
Yakov Smirnoff

When I was a teenager, every Saturday night I'd ask my dad for the car keys and he'd
always say the same thing: "All right, son, but don't lose them, because some day we may
get a car."
Yakov Smirnoff

When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter.
Yakov Smirnoff

I was eating a lot of frozen TV dinners when I realized they would probably taste better if
they were warm.
Yakov Smirnoff

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Yakov Smirnoff

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the
dipsticks are in Washington.
Yakov Smirnoff

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.
Yakov Smirnoff