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Woody Allen quotes page 1

Born December 1, 1935; Woody Allen is an Oscar-winning comedian, director, entertainer, producer and actor who has worked in the entertainment business for over 50 years. Allen is well-known for his career as a comedian writer during the 1950s. Along with his work on screen, Allen is also author of several compilations of short comedy pieces, jokes and scripts. His writing, like his work as a comedian, introduced a new style to the comedy platform. A documentary on Woody Allen's life appeared on PBS in 2011. Allen is perhaps best known for his unique stand-up comedy sets. As an accomplished stand-up performer, Allen highlighted comedic monologues as opposed to more customary jokes. He also developed a popular stage persona that helped redefine the art of stand-up. Comedy Central ranks Woody Allen as the fourth greatest stand-comedian. Another survey conducted in the United Kingdom placed Allen as the third greatest. Allen has also won nine British Academy of Film and Television Arts Awards in the UK. Woody Allen left the realm of slapstick comedy and moved in to a more dramatic style in the 1970s, a genre in which he became equally acclaimed. Because of his work as a director and writer in the comedy genre, Allen has been awarded four Academy Awards. Allen is popular for appearing in his own films, often in a starring role and in his stage persona. During his career, Allen made over 40 films. Some of Allen's most acclaimed films include "Annie Hall," "Midnight in Paris" and "Manhattan."

In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

Show business is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than that. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-
phone-calls.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an
electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this
watch.
Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through
not dying.
Woody Allen

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know, I'm starting to get the urge to conquer
Poland.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a
Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen

I contemplated suicide again. This time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of
another boy.
Woody Allen

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a
Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of
Liberty.
Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man
and woman.
Woody Allen

I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it
that night?
Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Woody Allen

There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the
bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our
own hearts and minds.
Woody Allen

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Woody Allen

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought,
particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards - you start out dead and get that out of the
way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out
for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold
watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are
ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have
no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last nine
months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Woody Allen

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the
man they fall in love with.
Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

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