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W. C. Fields quotes page 1

1880 - 1946, American comedian

I was married once - in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great
earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which
proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W. C. Fields

If you don't like the news, buy a gun and go out and make your own.
W. C. Fields

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the
night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no sense being a damn fool
about it.
W. C. Fields

You can fool some of the people some of the time - and that's enough to make a decent
living.
W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard
for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.
W. C. Fields

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.
W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last as long as you live.
W. C. Fields

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. Fields

Marriage is better than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of.
W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by
themselves.
W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not commit adultery - unless in the mood.
W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only
exercise I got.
W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing
I'm so indebted to her for.
W. C. Fields

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each, than one girl at 42.
W. C. Fields

During one of our trips through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We had to live on
nothing but food and water for several days.
W. C. Fields

- Have you any last requests before you're hanged?
- Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die.
W. C. Fields

Yes, I did take money from the kiddy's piggy banks, but I always left an IOU.
W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields

When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours.
W. C. Fields

I only give to one charity, the F.E.B.F. - Fuck Everybody But Fields.
W. C. Fields

I have a poor memory for names, but I never remember a face.
W. C. Fields

- Will you join me in a glass of wine?
- You get in first, and if there's room enough, I'll join you.
W. C. Fields

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy
brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
W. C. Fields

The health insurance doctor has refused to renew my health policy. The nefarious quack
claims he found urine in my whiskey.
W. C. Fields

I could juggle anything in my day: Balls, cigar boxes, knives. But I could never juggle my
income tax.
W. C. Fields

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
W. C. Fields

I gargle with whiskey several times a day, and I haven't had a cold in years.
W. C. Fields

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