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W. C. Fields quotes page 2

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend
that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. Fields

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to
be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a
butler.
W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy - it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small
snake.
W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose - to make people
laugh.
W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields

I like children. If they're properly cooked.
W. C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere
else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be
seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
W. C. Fields

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields

Is this liver or am I changing a tyre?
W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants to me: Nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields

I don't drink water - have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. Fields

I'm sorry, my good fellow, but all my money is tied up in currency.
W. C. Fields

Drink is your enemy. Love your enemies.
W. C. Fields

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
W. C. Fields

A rich man is a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
W. C. Fields

All Englismen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after
swallowing them get constipated from the pits.
W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields

There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot
a child in the ass.
W. C. Fields

I refuse to play golf with Errol Flynn. If I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.
W. C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do
is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. Fields

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full
bloom and freeze to death.
W. C. Fields

I never voted for anybody; I always voted against.
W. C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down
helpless babies.
W. C. Fields

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