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Victoria Wood quotes

born 19 May 1953, English comedienne and director

My children won't even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato 
was a vegetable.
Victoria Wood

Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?
Victoria Wood

Foreplay is like beefburgers - three minutes on each side.
Victoria Wood

When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, "I've got cystitis and it isn't
funny," so I would reply, "Well, send it back and ask for one that is."
Victoria Wood

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down,
and a woman is designed to say, "You took your time" when he comes back dripping wet.
Victoria Wood

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of
the room. I don't know who got my moped but I've been driving that Peugeot for years.
Victoria Wood

I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.
Victoria Wood

People think I hate sex. I don't. I just don't like things that stop you seeing the television
properly.
Victoria Wood

I've got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've also got a
life-saving certificate, but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my
pyjamas on.
Victoria Wood

A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.
Victoria Wood

Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and
on.
Victoria Wood

Tony Blair puts two poems in a bus shelter and calls it a university.
Victoria Wood

I'm all for killing animals and turning them into handbags. I just don't want to have to eat
them.
Victoria Wood

I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill.
Victoria Wood

The first day I met my producer, she said, "I'm a radical feminist lesbian." I thought what
would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, "We shall have fog by tea-time."
Victoria Wood

My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for
my vinegar.
Victoria Wood

It will be a traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting
into tears, but without the dead thing in the middle. We're vegetarians.
Victoria Wood