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Top 10 funny quotes

1. A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to
keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Jay Leno

2. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby
I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to
a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him
off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Tommy Cooper

3. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I
realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery

4. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens
if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

5. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

6. Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is
your child as an adult saying, "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The
other is, "You want fries with that?"
Robin Williams

7. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Sam Levenson

8. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is
a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France
is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
Chris Rock

9. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

10. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the
principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain


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