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Tommy Cooper quotes page 1

19 March 1921 – 15 April 1984, British comedian

I went to a fortune teller. She looked at my hands and said: "Your future looks pretty black."
I said: "I've still got my gloves on."
Tommy Cooper

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've
ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a
man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him
off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Tommy Cooper

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man
says, "Doc, what can you give me?" The doctor says, "A hard-boiled egg."
Tommy Cooper

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Tommy Cooper

Last night, I dreamt I was eating a 10lb marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
Tommy Cooper

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for  an aspirin and the girl
behind the counter said: "I'll toss you, double or nothing." I lost. I came out with two
headaches.
Tommy Cooper

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other: "Does he taste funny to you?"
Tommy Cooper

My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said, "I want
that." So I cut it out and gave it to her.
Tommy Cooper

I said to my wife, "I can't eat this beef stew." She said, "Shut up! It's custard pie!"
Tommy Cooper

I saw a sign on a Scottish golf course once. It said: "Members will please refrain from picking
up lost balls until they have stopped rolling!"
Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor the other day. I said, "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me
a kite.
Tommy Cooper

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an
old lady down. "Can't you ring your bell?" she said. "I can ring my bell," I said. "But I can't ride
my bike."
Tommy Cooper

Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
Tommy Cooper

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: "I'm not going to sit and watch a lot of people on
their toes in long underwear." She said: "You don't have to. Wear your tuxedo."
Tommy Cooper

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath. But I couldn't even finish
drinking the hot bath.
Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: "Would
you please blow into this bag, Sir." I said: "What for, Officer?" He says: "My chips are too
hot."
Tommy Cooper

Today has been eighty degrees in the shade. I was clever. I stayed in the sun.
Tommy Cooper

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he'd
killed me.
Tommy Cooper

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tommy Cooper

What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool.
Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I
can clearly see you're nuts."
Tommy Cooper

Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Tommy Cooper

I said to the doctor, "Can you give me something for my liver?" He gave me a pound of
onions.
Tommy Cooper

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he
put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: "If he grabs the pitchfork,
he'll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he'll be a mechanic, and if he takes the
hammer, he'll be a carpenter." I grabbed the nurse!
Tommy Cooper

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
Tommy Cooper

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't
feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
Tommy Cooper

The producer said, "How are you feeling?" I said, "I'm feeling a bit funny." He said, "Well, get
out there before it wears off."
Tommy Cooper

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Tommy Cooper

I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you
again!"
Tommy Cooper

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won't
climb a telephone pole.
Tommy Cooper

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Tommy Cooper

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Tommy Cooper

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