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Tommy Cooper quotes page 3

I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got 
lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".
Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said,
"Well, don't go there anymore."
Tommy Cooper

Got a new car the other day. I pushed the horn and it went: "Woof woof." It was a Rover.
Tommy Cooper

I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was
supposed to blow in the small end?
Tommy Cooper

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating
fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
Tommy Cooper

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: "I'd like to follow you to the
nearest Police Station." I said, "What For?" He said: "I've forgotten the way."
Tommy Cooper

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.
Tommy Cooper

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Tommy Cooper

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
Tommy Cooper

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius
was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
Tommy Cooper

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain
nuts." Well, Yes! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and
a socket set fell out!
Tommy Cooper

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