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Tommy Cooper quotes page 2

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, "I'll 
give you some cream to put on that."
Tommy Cooper

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: "Did you put anything on
it?" I said: "No, he liked it as it was."
Tommy Cooper

Phone answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."
Tommy Cooper

Last week I went to a travel agent to see about my holidays. There was a big poster of
Majorca on the office wall. I said, "I want to go there." So she pinned me to the wall.
Tommy Cooper

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: "I'm leaving you all
my money." The nephew said: "Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?" He said: "Get your
foot off my oxygen tube."
Tommy Cooper

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says "So are
you, you fat bastard!"
Tommy Cooper

I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. "Just a minute," I said,
"It's only got one leg." "It's been in a fight." I said, "Well, bring me the winner."
Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and
thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Tommy Cooper

I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.
Tommy Cooper

A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, "Doctor, my little boy has
swallowed an alarm clock." He said, "An alarm clock? Does it bother him?" She said: "It
doesn't bother him, but it bothers me." He said, "Why?" She said: "Well, every time I go to
wind it up, he bites my finger."
Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on
the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.
Tommy Cooper

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out
in thirty seconds.
Tommy Cooper

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: "Thank God,
the laundry's back!"
Tommy Cooper

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Tommy Cooper

Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad
you're getting what's coming to you.
Tommy Cooper

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Tommy Cooper

What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs.
Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctors. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having the
same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them
away." He said, "How can I help?" I said, "Break my arms!"
Tommy Cooper

So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say Aaaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog died."
Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctors. He said, "I'd like you to lie on the couch." I said, "What for?" He said,
"I'd like to sweep the floor."
Tommy Cooper

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and
there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
Tommy Cooper

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "You drive, I'll man the guns."
Tommy Cooper

I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!
Tommy Cooper

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said, "Is Jim in?" She didn't
reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his
wife's elbow. "Sorry luv," she said. "We buried him last Thursday." "He didn't say anything
about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?"
Tommy Cooper

My wife said, "Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet." I said,
"Chocolate fudge."
Tommy Cooper

I said to the chef, "Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?" He said, "I'm groping
for words!"
Tommy Cooper

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
Tommy Cooper

Now here's a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: "What's
new?"."
Tommy Cooper

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman
said, "I want a second opinion." The doctor says, "OK. You're ugly as well."
Tommy Cooper

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaaaghhh" and everyone
just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper

You know what a racehorse is? An animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at
the same time.
Tommy Cooper

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, "Which way?"
Tommy Cooper

Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down.
Tommy Cooper

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