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Steven Wright quotes page 1

born 6 December 1955, American comedian and author

I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Sure, but I don't believe everything I read."
Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to
a man, it's five dollars a minute.
Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens
if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Steven Wright

I once built a ship in a bottle. They had to break the bottle to let me out.
Steven Wright

I just got out of hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright

I was a caesarean birth, but you can't really tell, except that every time I leave the house
I go out the window.
Steven Wright

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people
died.
Steven Wright

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn't.
Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed funhouse rear-view mirrors.
Steven Wright

A friend sent me a postcard with a satellite picture of the entire planet taken from space.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Steven Wright

I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to cook, you had to
pull off a sweater real quick.
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. I mean where would you put it?
Steven Wright

First time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on televisions all over
the world.
Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called the operator. I said, "I can't find
my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.
Steven Wright

How do the men who drive the snowplough get to work in the morning?
Steven Wright

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

They say we're 98 per cent water. That means if you drink one glass of water, you're in
grave danger of drowning.
Steven Wright

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all
the other museums.
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright

I broke a mirror in my house, which is supposed to be seven years of bad luck. My lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright

He's a millionaire. He made all his money designing the little diagrams that tell you which
way to put batteries in.
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me
nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while
waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright

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