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Steven Wright quotes page 2

Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.
Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Steven Wright

I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody.
Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.
Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It said it was none of my
business.
Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steven Wright

My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one
car.
Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
Steven Wright

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand pit in our backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Steven Wright

I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds fly by laughing
hysterically.
Steven Wright

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you've seen it?
Steven Wright

Whenever I pick up a hitchhiker I say, "Buckle your seat belt, buddy, I want to try something
I saw in a cartoon."
Steven Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?
Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it
was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is
my roof?"
Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You
didn't borrow this." "I will."
Steven Wright

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the
other one next year.
Steven Wright

What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright

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