Steven Wright quotes

Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.
Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright

Help wanted: Telepath. You know here to apply.
Steven Wright

I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody.
Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.
Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It said it was none of my
business.
Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Steven Wright

My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one
car.
Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
Steven Wright

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand pit in our backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Steven Wright

I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds fly by laughing
hysterically.
Steven Wright

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you've seen it?
Steven Wright

Whenever I pick up a hitchhiker I say, "Buckle your seat belt, buddy, I want to try something
I saw in a cartoon."
Steven Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?
Steven Wright