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Spike Milligan quotes

16 April 1918 – 27 February 2002; Irish comedian, writer, poet, musician and actor

Money can't buy you friends but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would
have to wait till Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass," and the earth brought forth grass and the
Rastafarians smoked it.
Spike Milligan

Two little sardines swimming in the sea, came across a submarine, "What's that?" said one,
peering in. "Only people in a tin."
Spike Milligan

All men are cremated equal.
Spike Milligan

World peace could be a possibility... if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!
Spike Milligan

I remember my brother once saying, "I'd like to marry Elizabeth Taylor," and my father said,
"Don't worry, son, your turn will come."
Spike Milligan

I climbed Mount Everest - from the inside.
Spike Milligan

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Spike Milligan

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
Spike Milligan

Personally, I think all modern architects should be pulled down and redeveloped as car parks.
Spike Milligan

Copulation equals Population equals Pollution.
Spike Milligan

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is
just long enough to be president of the United States.
Spike Milligan

- Why does everyone take an instant dislike to you?
- Saves time.
Spike Milligan

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
Spike Milligan

A man loses his dog, so he puts and ad in the paper. And the ad says, "Here, boy!"
Spike Milligan

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
Spike Milligan

His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over ploughed fields with weights tied to his
scrotum.
Spike Milligan

- Why did he shoot himself?
- I suppose nobody else would.
Spike Milligan

The last funeral I went to had people in the front pew that I wouldn't have to my funeral
over my dead body.
Spike Milligan

- Are you Jewish?
- No, a tree fell on me.
Spike Milligan

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reciting a sonnet by Shakespeare but then I thought why should I? He
never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan

What would you rather have: a boring truth, or an exciting lie?
Spike Milligan

Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.
Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Spike Milligan

I speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

Bureaucracy was the counterpart of cancer, it grew bigger and destroyed everything except
itself.
Spike Milligan

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, "I'll draw a sketch of thee; what kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not
2B?"
Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

My favourite quotation is eight pounds ten for a second-hand suit.
Spike Milligan

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan

Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.
Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
Spike Milligan

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

I can't see the sense in it (his honorary CBE) really. It makes me a Commander of the British
Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.
Spike Milligan

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Spike Milligan

I once saw a sign on a lift in Dublin that said: "Please do not use this when it is not working."
Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
Spike Milligan

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Spike Milligan

We were making love in the back of a truck  and we got carried away.
Spike Milligan