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Sex quotes page 1

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught me how to beg, and he taught my wife
how to roll over and play dead.
Rodney Dangerfield

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Mae West

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Woody Allen

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep
in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Jay Leno

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the
feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner

Sex is an emotion in motion.
Mae West

When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the
shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.
Joan Rivers

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten
minutes.
Homer Simpson

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
Rodney Dangerfield

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean
and sex was dirty.
George Burns

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the
bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

I consider sex a misdemeanor; the more I miss, de meaner I get.
Mae West

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex
again?" He  said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Rita Rudner

Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.
Charles Bukowski

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to
have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
David Letterman

England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
Jackie Mason

Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high-five.
Chuck Norris jokes

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to
a man, it's five dollars a minute.
Steven Wright

Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.
Anais Nin

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country
you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need
sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
Jackie Mason

You could lay your pussy on a table right in front of a man and still not know what he's
thinking.
Sex and the City, 1998

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right
man and woman.
Woody Allen

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he
shouldn't!
George Bernard Shaw

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
Bette Midler

- Your fly-buttons are undone.
- No matter. The dead bird does not leave the nest.
Sir Winston Churchill

On my 85th birthday, I felt like a 20-year-old. But there wasn't one around.
Milton Berle

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush
this natural gift.
Marilyn Monroe

I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it
that night?
Woody Allen

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in
women. Chief among these is the Mercedes 380SL convertible.
P. J. O'Rourke

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with
other men. There is a three-year waiting list.
Yakov Smirnoff

Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.
Hunter S. Thompson

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

I had a wank in the car the other day. I won't be doing that again. The cab driver was furious.
Clyde West

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