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Roseanne Barr quotes

born November 3, 1952; American actress, producer and comedian

Men read maps better than women because only a male mind could conceive of an inch
equalling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month
that I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr

You may marry the man of your dreams, but fourteen years later, you're married to a couch
that burps.
Roseanne Barr

People say to me, "You're not very feminine." Well, they can just suck my dick.
Roseanne Barr

If it wasn't for gay men, fat women would have no one to dance with.
Roseanne Barr

People are so rude to smokers. You'd think they'd try to be nicer to people who are dying.
Roseanne Barr

I've quit smoking. I feel better, I smell better, and it's safer to drink out of old beer cans
around the house.
Roseanne Barr

I like kinky sex with chocolate. I call it S&M&M.
Roseanne Barr

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
Roseanne Barr

I do a lot of reading about serial killers, mostly How To books.
Roseanne Barr

When I get a lot of tension and headaches, I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two
and keep away from children.
Roseanne Barr

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr

Did you hear about the woman who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.
Roseanne Barr

I love my kids. Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
Roseanne Barr

The way I figure it, whenn my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, I've
done my job.
Roseanne Barr

I made my first million the old-fashioned way. I made a hundred million for somebody else.
Roseanne Barr

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're
feeling festive?
Roseanne Barr

I approach reading reviews the way some people anticipate anal warts.
Roseanne Barr

I got real nervous about my health so I started smoking again - 'cause I need something to
calm me down.
Roseanne Barr

Becoming a grandmother is great fun because you can use the kid to get back at your
daughter.
Roseanne Barr

All human beings connect sex and love - except for men.
Roseanne Barr

Excuse the mess, but we live here.
Roseanne Barr

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who
can't teach gym, become experts.
Roseanne Barr

They say that lesbians hate men, but why on earth would a lesbian hate men? They don't
have to fuck them.
Roseanne Barr

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow.
Roseanne Barr

I know how to do anything - I'm a mom.
Roseanne Barr

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say. "Fine, how was your
lobotomy?"
Roseanne Barr

That's what's wrong with the world right now - old men on Viagra, doing what they shouldn't
be doing and doing it for too damn long.
Roseanne Barr

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Roseanne Barr

I asked the sales assistant in the clothing store if she had anything to make me look thinner,
and she said, ""How about a week in Ethiopia?"
Roseanne Barr

There's only one way to look thin - hang out with fat people.
Roseanne Barr

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.
Roseanne Barr

I will clean the house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like 
a doughnut.
Roseanne Barr

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a
vegetarian.
Roseanne Barr

If things get worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Roseanne Barr

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Roseanne Barr

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger
we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
Roseanne Barr

I don't call myself a feminist. I call myself a killer bitch.
Roseanne Barr

You wanna hear my personal opinion on prostitution? If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't
have to pay for it.
Roseanne Barr

I screamed a lot, but it was that or firearms.
Roseanne Barr

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Roseanne Barr

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Barr

Do men who like to dress up as women find they can no longer parallel park?
Roseanne Barr