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Rodney Dangerfield quotes page 1

1921 - 2004, American comedian

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher
and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

Last week some guy pulled a knife on me, but I could tell it wasn't a real professional job.
There was still butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
Rodney Dangerfield

My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He said, "Were a brown tie."
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over - nobody was
home.
Rodney Dangerfield

One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked. I said, "Hey buddy, why are you doing
that?" He said, "Cause you came home early!"
Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my
glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

They say "Love thy neighbor as thyself." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll
her back into the water.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to Switzerland and got an obscene yodel.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "Shut the f..k up!"
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on
the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
Rodney Dangerfield

I said to my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth:
That she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
Rodney Dangerfield

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher
out of the window.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
Rodney Dangerfield

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was
reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

It's great to have grey hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
Rodney Dangerfield

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had." The
waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all
about money.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighbourhood!"
Rodney Dangerfield

After making love to this girl she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" "No, I hate myself now!"
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them. They said it wasn't enough.
Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield

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