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Rodney Dangerfield quotes page 3

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing
everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at
me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it over.
Rodney Dangerfield

My dog is so lazy. He doesn't chase cars, he just sits on the kerb, taking down license plate
numbers.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my mom I was gonna run away from home. She said, "On your marks..."
Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment she yelled, "Rape!" They
yelled, "Nooooo!"
Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some people go to India to find the mystery of life. I'm still trying to figure out how to start
my car.
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I
never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car - a tow truck.
Rodney Dangerfield

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was old too! When she went to school they didn't have history.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to
do with Pop? We have company tonight."
Rodney Dangerfield

A psychiatrist told me and my wife that we should have sex every night. Now we never see
each other.
Rodney Dangerfield

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a
hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a see-through negligee.
Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I find there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught me how to beg, and he taught my wife
how to roll over and play dead.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Rodney Dangerfield

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He
never went to a nude beach.
Rodney Dangerfield

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her, "You cooked it, you take it out."
Rodney Dangerfield

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "Surprise me" I said, so
he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

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