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Rodney Dangerfield quotes page 2

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's
fingers.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave me one with four cavities.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlor, it was self-service.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He
said, "On your mark..."
Rodney Dangerfield

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her
ass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother has morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons
to learn to sit up.
Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for
it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I had no friends. If I wanted to play on the seesaw, I had to keep running
from one end to the other.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the
toaster.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over
your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone
hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me
to run off a cliff.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents. "Do you think we'll find them?" "I don't
know, there's so many places to hide."
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield

Boy, were we poor! If I wasn't born a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
Rodney Dangerfield

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is - he took me to my house.
Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's favourite position is back to back.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said, "Okay,
you're ugly too."
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield

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