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Rita Rudner quotes page 1

born September 17, 1953; American comedienne

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better.
Sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

My husband refuses to try anything on. Even shoes. He just holds the box up to the light
and say, "Yeah, these fit fine."
Rita Rudner

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Rita Rudner

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Rita Rudner

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock
the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream
and a flush.
Rita Rudner

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain
weight and  get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.
Rita Rudner

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Rita Rudner

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex
again?" He  said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Rita Rudner

Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more
it's worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill
something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Rita Rudner

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were
just napping.
Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive
and unconscious.
Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to
ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this
day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner

I envy kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets
into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.
Rita Rudner

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Rita Rudner

I was asking a friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and
it grows up to hate me, and it blames everything wrong with its life on me?" And she said,
"What do you mean, if?"
Rita Rudner

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on the brown envelopes.
Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That
is how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live live bears with
furniture.
Rita Rudner

When I was a girl I had only two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play
with each other.
Rita Rudner

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Rita Rudner

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner

My mom has been nagging my father to take up a sport, so he took up bird-watching. He's
very serious about it. He bought binoculars. And a bird.
Rita Rudner

I've killed so many plants. I walked into a nursery once and my face was on a wanted poster.
Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

I did consider liposuction at one point, but then I heard they can accidentally vaccum out
internal organs that you're using.
Rita Rudner

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing out their comic books, which
would be very valuable now.
Rita Rudner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "Well,
that's not going to happen."
Rita Rudner

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