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Rita Rudner quotes page 2

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the
opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner

If your husband has difficulty in getting to sleep, the words, "We need to talk about our
relationship" may help.
Rita Rudner

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner

I never know what to give my father for Christmas. I gave him $100 and said, "Buy yourself
something that will make your life easier." So he went out and bought a present for my
mother.
Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. As soon as you
know this, you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
Rita Rudner

My husband has two beliefs in life. He believes in God, and he believes that when the gas
gauge is on empty, he still has a quarter of a tank.
Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank. Except when it's very busy, when they have
one.
Rita Rudner

I was a ballerina, but I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner

My last credit card bill was so big, before I opened it I actually heard a drum roll.
Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This
looks much better on." On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner

I'm not good at math. I've never been good at math. I accepted it from an early age. My
teacher would hand me a math test. I'd just write on it, "I'm going to marry someone who can
do this."
Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the
feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
Rita Rudner

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
Rita Rudner

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think
they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner

I have never been molested when travelling alone on trains. I just have to say a few words
and I am immediately left alone: "Are you a born-again Christian?"
Rita Rudner

Eating out is so expensive. I went to one restaurant and instead of having prices on the
menu, they just had pictures of faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have
your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner

When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players'
shorts get baggier and longer.
Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she assumes she has gained
weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet, he assumes the clothing has shrunk.
Rita Rudner

- Back to my place?
- Can two people fit under a rock?
Rita Rudner

My boyfriend used to say, "I read Playboy for the articles." Right, and I go to shopping malls
for the music.
Rita Rudner

Some guys are afraid of commitment. I was playing tennis with a man and he couldn't say,
"Thirty-love." He kept saying, "Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people."
Rita Rudner

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
Rita Rudner

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I
want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then go and answer the
phone.
Rita Rudner

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