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Phyllis Diller quotes page 1

1917 - 2012, American comedienne

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with, "Who
could have done this? We have no enemies."
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom,
respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the
next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it
stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and
cheap?
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his
eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."
Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night - and reduce the crime rate.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps
some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
Phyllis Diller

I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind on my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anyone I
know.
Phyllis Diller

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Phyllis Diller

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.
Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm
not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
Phyllis Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
Phyllis Diller

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks
exactly the way his friends see him.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

Health is what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football
helmet.
Phyllis Diller

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It
was the first time they'd ever given blood.
Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch
gloves.
Phyllis Diller

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
Phyllis Diller

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller

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