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P. J. O'Rourke quotes page 1

born November 14, 1947; American political satirist, author and journalist

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in
women. Chief among these is the Mercedes 380SL convertible.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everyone wants to save the earth. No one wants to help Mom dry the dishes.
P. J. O'Rourke

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the
difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody,
it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
P. J. O'Rourke

Government is to life what pantyhose are to sex.
P. J. O'Rourke

True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why is this more stylish
than sitting inside drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know.
P. J. O'Rourke

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold
are legislators.
P. J. O'Rourke

Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late
and bomb the country next to where it's happening.
P. J. O'Rourke

In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are
my taxes.
P. J. O'Rourke

A nation with a goofy foreign policy needs a very serious policy of defense.
P. J. O'Rourke

How often does a house need to be cleaned anyway? Just once every girlfriend. After that
she can get to know the real you.
P. J. O'Rourke

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it
comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
P. J. O'Rourke

Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or
unbuckled seat belts ever have.
P. J. O'Rourke

This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
P. J. O'Rourke

You can't get good Chinese takeout in China, and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's
all you need to know about communism.
P. J. O'Rourke

Bachelorhood, like being alive, is more depressing than anything but the known alternative.
P. J. O'Rourke

Christmas begins about December 1st with an office party and ends when you finally realize
what you spent, around April 15th of the next year.
P. J. O'Rourke

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are
us.
P. J. O'Rourke

We're told cars are dangerous. It's safer to drive through South Central Los Angeles than to
walk there. We're told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the
ground for millions of years. We're told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But
it's hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald's from a speeding train. And we're
told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse
excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or
typhoid fever at nine?
P. J. O'Rourke

There's one more terrifying thing about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
P. J. O'Rourke

The college idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do
absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something
about it.
P. J. O'Rourke

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
P. J. O'Rourke

I can understand why mankind hasn't given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks
through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners - two things that are usually frowned on 
during peacetime.
P. J. O'Rourke

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the
government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
P. J. O'Rourke

Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.
P. J. O'Rourke

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied,
demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.
P. J. O'Rourke

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse,
too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing
extraordinary about that person.
P. J. O'Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P. J. O'Rourke

Marijuana is... self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse
punishment could there be?
P. J. O'Rourke

Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad
economic thinking.
P. J. O'Rourke

Many reporters, when they go to work in the nation's capital, begin thinking of themselves as
participants in the political process instead of glorified stenographers.
P. J. O'Rourke

The only thing I've ever been able to figure out about stove cleaning is to move house every
couple of years.
P. J. O'Rourke

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