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P. J. O'Rourke quotes page 2

Industrialization came to England but has since left. 
P. J. O'Rourke

There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A
politician who portrays himself as caring and sensitive because he wants to expand the
government's charitable programs is merely saying that he is willing to do good with other
people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is
telling us that he will do good with his own money - if a gun is held to his head.
P. J. O'Rourke

Drugs have taught an entire generation of English kids the metric system.
P. J. O'Rourke

When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power
of the state... This violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all
the money and the people with all the guns be the same people.
P. J. O'Rourke

The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly
and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot
you.
P. J. O'Rourke

The average IQ in America is - and this can be proven mathematically - average.
P. J. O'Rourke

You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
P. J. O'Rourke

West Germans are tall, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as
clean as their clothes and clothes as sharp as their looks. Except for the fact that they all
speak English pretty well, they're indistinguishable from Americans.
P. J. O'Rourke

A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible.
P. J. O'Rourke

Liberals have invented whole college majors - psychology, sociology, women's studies - to
prove that nothing is anybody's fault.
P. J. O'Rourke

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
P. J. O'Rourke

Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can
grab a gun and be empowered. It's not entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare
get, and how free are they? It's not an endlessly expanding list of rights - the "right" to
education, the "right" to food and housing. That's not freedom, that's dependency. Those
aren't rights, those are the rations of slavery - hay and a barn for human cattle.
P. J. O'Rourke

War will exist as long as there's a food chain.
P. J. O'Rourke

Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there.
P. J. O'Rourke

The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it.
The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.
P. J. O'Rourke

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and
refuse to tell you where they're going.
P. J. O'Rourke

The interesting thing about staring down a gun barrel is how small the hole is where the bullet
comes out, yet what a big difference it would make in your social schedule.
P. J. O'Rourke

The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert,
they can take something and not pay for it.
P. J. O'Rourke

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies who
like to eat theirs.
P. J. O'Rourke

There's only one secret to bachelor cooking - not caring how it tastes.
P. J. O'Rourke

Politicians are interested in people in the same way that dogs are interested in fleas.
P. J. O'Rourke

Lust, pride, sloth, and gluttony, or, as we call them these days, "getting in touch with your
sexuality," "raising your self-esteem," "relaxation therapy," and "being a recovered bulimic."
P. J. O'Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
P. J. O'Rourke

A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should
either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.
P. J. O'Rourke

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no
money.
P. J. O'Rourke

Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might
miscalculate the dosage and just wind up having a good time.
P. J. O'Rourke

Practically anything you say will seem amusing if you're on all fours.
P. J. O'Rourke

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about
the difference between wrong and fun.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

I have often been called a Nazi, and, although it is unfair, I don't let it bother me. I don't let
it bother me for one simple reason. No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed
and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.
P. J. O'Rourke

Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and 
prove it.
P. J. O'Rourke

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all
be anything we damned well pleased.
P. J. O'Rourke

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