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Milton Berle quotes

1908 - 2002, American actor and comedian

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years
older already.
Milton Berle

You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.
Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Milton Berle

Our team lives hockey, it dreams hockey, it eats hockey. Now if it could only play hockey.
Milton Berle

He's so generous, he'll go out, get two blowjobs, come back and give you one of them.
Milton Berle

There's one good thing about being bald: it's neat.
Milton Berle

I have a feeling there's a correlation between getting up in the morning and getting up in the
world.
Milton Berle

I gave my wife a brand new watch for Christmas - waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable, and
anti magnetic. Absolutely nothing could happen to it. She lost it.
Milton Berle

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer.
Milton Berle

On my 85th birthday, I felt like a 20-year-old. But there wasn't one around.
Milton Berle

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a
step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison. If it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by
candlelight.
Milton Berle

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
Milton Berle

Folks who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election
campaign.
Milton Berle

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames
another computer.
Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a
Jew dies.
Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know
how to make it interesting.
Milton Berle

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Milton Berle

You can tell a man isn't handy when he asks the man next door how to get blood off a saw.
Milton Berle

The early bird would never catch the worm if the dumb worm slept late.
Milton Berle

Good fishing is just a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.
Milton Berle

My hometown is so dull that the drugstore sells picture postcards of other towns.
Milton Berle

I took a physical for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft.
Milton Berle

I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put
the batteries.
Milton Berle

My favourite characters in the Bible are King David, Delilah and Charlton Heston.
Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why
he's retiring.
Milton Berle