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Johnny Carson quotes page 1

1925 - 2005, American TV host and comedian

Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you're hungry.
Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He
signed it, "Best wishes, Ronald Reagan."
Johnny Carson

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President, and anyone who doesn't grow
up can be Vice President.
Johnny Carson

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Johnny Carson

People pay more to be entertained than educated.
Johnny Carson

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win the lottery. The
good side is you don't hear from your relatives.
Johnny Carson

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
Johnny Carson

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only President whose formal portrait was painted by a
police sketch artist?
Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in
hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the
sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
Johnny Carson

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Johnny Carson

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like
yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will
have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Johnny Carson

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Johnny Carson

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the
drill.
Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to
the time he killed himself.
Johnny Carson

Why do Hollywood divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it.
Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just
taken place.
Johnny Carson

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your
rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover spam.
Johnny Carson

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Johnny Carson

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on
a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man
came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the
wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
Johnny Carson

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be
very inexpensive.
Johnny Carson

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.
Johnny Carson

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like
yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will
have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to
the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson

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