Your source for famous proverbs
Currently featuring 40,281 quotes and sayings

<< Previous    [1]  2    Next >>

Joan Rivers quotes page 1

born June 8, 1933; American comedian and film director

I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I
don't want to wake you up."
Joan Rivers

I'm jewish. I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".
Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the
linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."
Joan Rivers

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
Joan Rivers

Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
Joan Rivers

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the
bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

I said to my mother-in-law, "My house is your house." She said, "Get the hell of my property."
Joan Rivers

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters
just so the guys would have something to pet.
Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my
legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."
Joan Rivers

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He have her a
lobotomy.
Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.
Joan Rivers

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at
least three years off.
Joan Rivers

Is she fat? Her favourite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers

- Come on, Joan, tell us which husband was the best lover?
- Yours.
Joan Rivers, Joan Collins

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to
start all over again.
Joan Rivers

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.
Joan Rivers

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly
- hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
Joan Rivers

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain
weight and have a great sex life.
Joan Rivers

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before
Freeway."
Joan Rivers

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers

When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the
shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.
Joan Rivers

I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add "fried chicken."
Joan Rivers

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the
Linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."
Joan Rivers

No man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.
Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I
say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd
you get this new number?"
Joan Rivers

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn't
give a shit.
Joan Rivers

Taking advice about marriage from Elizabeth Taylor is like taking sailing lessons from the
captain of the Titanic.
Joan Rivers

I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, "Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe."
Joan Rivers

<< Previous    [1]  2    Next >>