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Joan Rivers quotes page 2

I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's
a tramp.
Joan Rivers

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Joan Rivers

I've worked with Angelina Jolie. She saw a sign that said "Wet Floor" one time, and she did.
Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to
wake up my daughter and say, "Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."
Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough
money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers

Bo Derek is so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.
Joan Rivers

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the
gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and
you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers
would try to board her.
Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my
husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.
Joan Rivers

You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell "mom" backwards.
Joan Rivers

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he
opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.
Joan Rivers

If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
Joan Rivers

The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who
knew he would find 20 of them?
Joan Rivers

It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
Joan Rivers

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers

No-one says this, but the vagina drops. I looked down a few years ago and thought, "Why
am I wearing a bunny slipper?"
Joan Rivers

Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
Joan Rivers

When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said: "Only if you take your
foot off her throat!"
Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal. I have to blindfold my vibrator.
Joan Rivers

Two's company. Three's fifty bucks.
Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers

Marie Osmond is so pure, not even Moses could part her knees.
Joan Rivers

I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.
Joan Rivers

Angelina said to me the other night, "If I can make one person happy, Joan, I die content." I
said, "Easy. Give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."
Joan Rivers

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