Jerry Seinfeld quotes page 1
born April 29, 1954; American stand-up comedian, producer and actor, author of
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a
the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
Men love the suit so much, we've actually styled our pyjamas to look like a tiny suit. Or
pyjamas have little lapels, little cuffs, simulated breast pocket. Do you need a breast pocket
on your pyjamas? You put a pen in there, you roll over in the middle of the night, you kill
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of
support, and a little bit of freedom.
The worst words in the English language are, "We have to talk." Either that or, "Whose bra is
Why did anyone think a camel is a good product image for a cigarette? I think each one is the
equivalent tar of smoking an actual camel.
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't
cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in!
We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that "Men are all the same,
we might as well dress them that way."
Why do they make condom packets so hard to open? Is it to give the woman a chance to
change her mind?
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they
thinking: "Gosh, if we have a party, there may not be enough standing room; I'd better
carpet the toilet too."
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive.
Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not
much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in
not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of programmes. Do you want me
to watch the show, or do you want me to read the strip? Don't these idiots who run the
networks know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
One of the greatest mysteries to me about women is the fact that they can pour hot wax
on their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
The concept behind the mobile phone is that you have absolutely nothing to say and you've
got to talk to someone about it right now.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're
killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't
know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me
The best revenge is living well.
There's no such thing as fun for the whole family - there are no massage parlours with ice
cream and free jewelry.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The
end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks
for watching. Goodbye."
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your
behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to
adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang
on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at
the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Did you ever go to a party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and the water starts coming
up? That is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.
That's the true spirit of Christmas - people being helped by people other than me.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death.
Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to
a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot! Do you really want music in the
shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.