Jerry Seinfeld quotes page 2
Why can't sweat smell good? It would be a different world. Instead of putting laundry in the
hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd have a dirty sweatsock hanging from the rear-view
mirror of your car. And on a special night, maybe a little underwear coming out of your breast
pocket, just to show her she's important.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like
firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in
two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the
conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Why do dogs have no money? No pockets.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just
exactly fits the newspaper.
The closest thing we have to royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little
carts through the airport. When cart people drive by we all scurry out of the way like
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine.
You can't do it in one push. You have to
rock it back and forth a few times until it goes over.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
What is a date
really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in
not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked at the end of it.
I hate when they call up to check if your credit card is good. I always feel like they're talking
about me. "You won't believe what he's buying now. It's some kind of yellow thing. I don't
even know what it is. Never sold one before."
Can we just get
rid of wine lists? Do we really need to be reminded every time we go out to a
nice restaurant that we have no idea what we're doing? Why don't they just give us a
trigonometry quiz with the menu?
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my
muscles are huge.
I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything - which, as you know, always
leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.