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Jay Leno quotes

born April 28, 1950; American television host

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that
a horse?
Jay Leno

If God would have wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon,
Mobil, Texaco, Chevron - they're all lining up.
Jay Leno

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Jay Leno

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could
find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.
Jay Leno

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty
had both hands up.
Jay Leno

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
Jay Leno

New Year's Eve, when auld acquaintance be forgot - unless, of course, those tests come
back positive.
Jay Leno

If a mime gets arrested is he informed of his right to remain silent?
Jay Leno

With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th
high school reunion.
Jay Leno

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a
leak?
Jay Leno

If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to
keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have
plenty left for yourself.
Jay Leno

A Christmas tree - the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.
Jay Leno

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.
Jay Leno

Bush says he's being stalked. He says wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally
someone told him, "Psst. That's the Secret Service."
Jay Leno

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary
Clinton
got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Jay Leno

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep
in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Jay Leno

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins
Lottery?"
Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10
doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not
athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take
women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she
be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because
she can't do anything else.
Jay Leno

An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with
two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.
Jay Leno

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said
right after their husband is finished.
Jay Leno

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills: Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call
it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells "OIL".
Jay Leno

A study has found that gay men, on average, have substantially larger organs than straight
men. You know what that means? Oh my God, I'm gay.
Jay Leno

According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff.
He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because
it "clears his mind." Sometimes it works a little too well.
Jay Leno

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to
figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.
Jay Leno

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
Jay Leno

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir and Hillary got $8M for her memoir.
That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Jay Leno

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop
prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.
Jay Leno

Politics is Hollywood for ugly people.
Jay Leno

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Jay Leno

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said,
"Would you like fries with that?"
Jay Leno

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.
This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
Jay Leno

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight
people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
Jay Leno

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it
works: if you spend $12.99 on the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno