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Henry Youngman quotes page 1

1906 - 1998, American comedian

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he
saluted, he killed himself.
Henry Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a
little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henry Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henry Youngman

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just
taken place.
Henry Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henry Youngman

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's
bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told
you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
Henry Youngman

I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less
than my wife.
Henry Youngman

I've just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
Henry Youngman

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know,
you're the one who is working!"
Henry Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henry Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two
times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go
Fridays.
Henry Youngman

Most women are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Henry Youngman

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
Henry Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Henry Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henry Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henry Youngman

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do
you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be
lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
Henry Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The
drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Henry Youngman

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
Henry Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henry Youngman

A hooker stopped me on the street and told me "I'll do anything for $50." I said, "Paint my
house."
Henry Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash?
He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henry Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henry Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henry Youngman

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force
yourself!"
Henry Youngman

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a
quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
Henry Youngman

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes
the same!"
Henry Youngman

The first part of our marriage was very happy. Then, on the way back from the ceremony...
Henry Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henry Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henry Youngman

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Henry Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los
Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last
week!"
Henry Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henry Youngman

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