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Henry Youngman quotes page 3

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the
way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car,
and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say,
"Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Henry Youngman

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start eating.
Henry Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate 
buildings!
Henry Youngman

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, "Can I ask you two questions?" Lawyer says, "What's the
second one?"
Henry Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henry Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henry Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in
the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window
betting on another horse in the same race...
Henry Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henry Youngman

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Henry Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a
good living."
Henry Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was
leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Henry Youngman

I go to the Opera whether I need the sleep or not.
Henry Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
Henry Youngman

I have hundreds of books, but no bookcase. Nobody would lend me a bookcase.
Henry Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henry Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
Henry Youngman

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese
restaurant!
Henry Youngman

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."
Henry Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Henry Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you
hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Henry Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me
$10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henry Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Henry Youngman

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
Henry Youngman

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is
playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards
swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the
water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "We saved your
grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
Henry Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henry Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henry Youngman

My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric
chair.
Henry Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henry Youngman

Things could be much worse. I could be one of my creditors.
Henry Youngman

The catch of the day was hepatitis.
Henry Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000"
They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
Henry Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henry Youngman

The Tax Office has streamlined its tax form this year. It goes like this: (a) How much did you
make last year? (b) How much have you got left? (c) Send (b).
Henry Youngman

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Henry Youngman

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do
you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Henry Youngman

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