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Henry Youngman quotes page 2

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Henry Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put "page 2."
Henry Youngman

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear
pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
Henry Youngman

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The
woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"
Henry Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henry Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henry Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henry Youngman

If I'm not in bed by eleven at night, I go home.
Henry Youngman

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He
comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He
comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the
barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your
house!"
Henry Youngman

Last night my wife said the weather outside was fit for neither man nor beast, so we both
stayed home.
Henry Youngman

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henry Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henry Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man
lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henry Youngman

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Henry Youngman

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a
tree!
Henry Youngman

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henry Youngman

Take my wife... please.
Henry Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henry Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to
dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Henry Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henry Youngman

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I
have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
Henry Youngman

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Henry Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet.
Henry Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet
first!
Henry Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henry Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henry Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the
cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Henry Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henry Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again,
missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball
saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Henry Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henry Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henry Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
Henry Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise.
Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is
your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
Henry Youngman

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
Henry Youngman

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Henry Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another
six months.
Henry Youngman

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