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Groucho Marx quotes page 1

1890 - 1977, American comedian and actor

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money
is handy.
Groucho Marx

I don't have a photograph, but you can keep my footprints. They are upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

I'm going to Iowa to collect an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out.
Then I'm sailing to France to pick up an honour from the French government.  I'd give it all
up for one erection.
Groucho Marx

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

- Are you Groucho Marx?
- No, are you?
Groucho Marx

Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write "Emily, I love you," on the back of
the bill.
Groucho Marx

- I have thirteen children. It's not a burden. I love my husband.
- Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly and
applying unsuitable remedies.
Groucho Marx

I am all for women's rights - and for their lefts too.
Groucho Marx

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "Yes", you know he is
crooked.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will accept me as a
member.
Groucho Marx

Don't put any ice in my drink. Takes up too much room.
Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's bust is bigger than the heroine's.
Groucho Marx

You go Uruguay, and I'll go mine.
Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

- I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll
forget all about me.
- Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
Groucho Marx

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Groucho Marx

- Are you asking for a lock of my hair?
- I'm letting you off lightly. I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Margaret Dumont, Groucho Marx

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with
the cows till you come home.
Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get
the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell
next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun."
Groucho Marx

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime
you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend on reading it.
Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!
Groucho Marx

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