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Groucho Marx quotes page 2

I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.
Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the women he feels.
Groucho Marx

Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a
book.
Groucho Marx

I was banned from the Beverly Hills Swimming Club because I'm Jewish. "My son's only half
jewish," I said, "so could he go in up to his waist?"
Groucho Marx

These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Groucho Marx

My sex life is now reduced to fan letters from an elderly lesbian who wants to borrow $800.
Groucho Marx

Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Groucho Marx

- Sir, you try my patience.
- I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.
Groucho Marx

A private hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually
tells you something.
Groucho Marx

I once gave a waiter a tip - I told him never to step off a moving bus.
Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book - and does.
Groucho Marx

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then
you've triumphed.
Groucho Marx

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho Marx

Oh, those June nights on the Riviera. We were young, gay, and reckless! I drank champagne
from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels.
Groucho Marx

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it
shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm
going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Groucho Marx

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Groucho Marx

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