Your source for famous proverbs
Currently featuring 40,281 quotes and sayings

<< Previous    [1]  2    Next >>

George Carlin quotes page 1

1937 - 2008, American comedian and actor

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on the streets. Well, there's so
much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good
American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if
she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.
George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness,
loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I
gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something
is fucked up.
George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in
opposite directions.
George Carlin

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot
post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a
building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin

Don't just teach your kids to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to
question everything!
George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And
the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
George Carlin

In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem.
George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just
by saying you're tired.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to
quit.
George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets
just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
George Carlin

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can
run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do
you?
George Carlin

There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces
of wood. Especially if it's me!
George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it!
George Carlin

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his
shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense - in this country there
isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
George Carlin

I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.
George Carlin

Dogs have a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told
not to fuck.
George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

When it's us, it's an abortion; when it's a chicken, it's an omelette.
George Carlin

If God had meant us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin

Why is there such a controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to
test any drug they can come up with. Especially if it's multiple choice.
George Carlin

<< Previous    [1]  2    Next >>