Your source for famous proverbs
Currently featuring 40,281 quotes and sayings

<< Previous    1  [2]    Next >>

George Carlin quotes page 2

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to
volunteer  in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have
been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
George Carlin

"One thing leads to another?" Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask
an addict.
George Carlin

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most
people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their
house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have
to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a
car.
George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid.
Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by
elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

If the sign on the restaurant uses the word Cuisine, it will be expensive. If they use the word Food, it will be moderately priced. However, if the sign says Eats, even though you'll save some money on food, your medical bills will be quite high.
George Carlin

So, I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after
John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.
George Carlin

"Meow" means "woof" in cat.
George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man... living in the sky. Who watches
everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific
things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a
special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He
loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with
jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts… Germany lost the Second World War.
Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
George Carlin

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't
want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
George Carlin

The nicotine patches work pretty well, but it's kind of hard to keep them lit.
George Carlin

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention
anything about cursing a lack of candles.
George Carlin

You know the good thing about all the executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a
front-row seat.
George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
George Carlin

It's a great country, but it's a strange culture... This has got to be the only country in the
world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the
world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke
it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills 400,000 people a year, so they ban
artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun
store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs!
And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - and they're gonna keep the fucking real
ones!
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that never
were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
George Carlin

Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self
esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on
the back of our car... We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers'
attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.
George Carlin

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
George Carlin

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage?" Do some people cook the stuff?
George Carlin

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans,
when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
George Carlin

<< Previous    1  [2]    Next >>