Dr. Gary Chapman quotes page 1
born January 10, 1938; American relationship counselor, author of "The Five Love languages"
The one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision every
I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on
bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing, they pollute a potentially
Love makes requests, not demands. When I demand things from my spouse, I become a
parent and she the child.
What if your spouse really is the problem? And I say, "Ok. Let's say that your spouse is 95%
of the problem. That would only leave 5% for you." What I'm saying is, "If you want to
improve your relationship, if you want to see your spouse change, you start by changing
yourself. You deal with your 5%. Then the marriage is 5% better, you've demonstrated to
your spouse how to change, and it's more likely now that they will change. But even if they
don't, the marriage is 5% better."
Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the
offense up against the offender.
Love says, "I choose to do that because I wanna do something for your benefit. I'm gonna
give up what I was gonna do and I will do this for you." That's love. It's giving away your life
to another person.
We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give
direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences so that
they do not become divisive.
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to
speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not
understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does
not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language.
Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in reality, they are
only living in close proximity.
For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold
hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts
unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.
Empathetic listening is an awesome medication for the hurting heart.
What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
People do not get married planning to divorce. Divorce is the result of a lack of preparation
for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as teammates in an intimate
We assume that whatever makes us feel loved, will make our spouse feel loved. But that's
not true... If I'm saying to my wife, "Honey, you look so beautiful today... I really appreciate
what you did last night... I love you.. . You know, I love you..." But if her language of love is
acts of service, if what makes her feel loved is not words but my doing things to help her,
after a while I'm saying "I love you... I love you..." and she's saying, "I'm sick of 'I love you.'
You know, if you love me do something to help me."
Love doesn't keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn't bring up past failures. None of us is
Love is the attitude that says, "I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your
Love says, "I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me."
Love is a verb.
Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.
Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It is giving someone your undivided
attention. As humans, we have a fundamental desire to connect with others. We may be in
the presence of people all day long, but we do not always feel connected.
You may also want to try giving indirect words of affirmation - that is, saying positive things
about your spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse,
and you will get full credit for love. Tell your wife's mother how great your wife is. When her
mother tells her what you said, it will be amplified, and you will get even more credit. Also
affirm your spouse in front of others when he or she is present.
Most of us have little training in listening. We are far more efficient in thinking and speaking.
Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we
want to communicate love.
Don't make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring
pleasure to her.
Respect begins with this attitude: "I acknowledge that you are a creature of extreme worth.
God has endowed you with certain abilities and emotions. Therefore I respect you as a
person. I will not desecrate your worth by making critical remarks about your intellect, your
judgment or your logic. I will seek to understand you and grant you the freedom to think
differently from the way I think and to experience emotions that I may not experience."
Respect means that you give the other person the freedom to be an individual.
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being
of the one you love.
If "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor