Gary Chapman quotes page 2
Don't be a victim of the urgent. In the long run, much of what seems so pressing right
won't even matter. What you do with your children will matter forever.
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the
deepest emotional need.
Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have
to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native
tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying
to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.
Verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.
In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation. Conflicts can
be resolved. Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover
how to bring out the best in each other. Those are the rewards of love.
Sex is the joining of two bodies; love is the joining of two souls.
It takes the power of God to love someone who's unlovely. And let's face it - some people
are married to a spouse that's unlovely. They're harsh, they're mean, cruel, they're self-
centered and to love that person is not natural. What's natural is to stay away from that
person or to wish them ill. But with the love of God being poured out of our hearts by the
Holy Spirit the Bible says, we can love a spouse who is unlovely. Because God loved us when
we were unlovely. And when you do that, you are doing the most powerful thing you can do
for that person. Because they desperately need love. And when you give it to them, you're
the source of love and they're drawn to you and they're more likely to come back and treat
you with some love, kindness and respect.
The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your
I think the tingles are important. They are real, and I am in favor of their survival. But they
are not the basis for a satisfactory marriage. I am not suggesting that one should marry
without the tingles. Those warm, excited feelings, the chill bumps, that sense of acceptance,
the excitement of the touch that make up the tingles serve as the cherry on top of the
sundae. But you cannot have a sundae with only the cherry.
Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often
Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the
human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We
must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. With
verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate, "I know. I care. I am with you. How
can I help?" We are trying to show that we believe in him and in his abilities. We are giving
credit and praise.
All of us blossom when we feel loved and wither when we do not feel loved.
Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active
expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional
climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.
Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds
before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.
The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, "A soft
answer turns away anger." When your spouse is angry and upset and lashing out with words
of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reciprocate with additional heat but with a
soft voice. You will receive what he is saying as information about his emotional feelings. You
will let him tell you of his hurt, anger, and perception of events. You will seek to put yourself
in his shoes and see the event through his eyes and then express softly and kindly your
understanding of why he feels that way. If you have wronged him, you will be willing to
confess the wrong and ask forgiveness. If your motivation is different from what he is
reading, you will be able to explain your motivation kindly. You will seek understanding and
reconciliation, and not to prove your own perception as the only logical way to interpret what
has happened. This is mature love - love to which we aspire if we seek a growing marriage.
Love is a choice you make everyday.
We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a
relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.
I dream of a day when the potential of the married couples in this country can be unleashed
for the good of humankind, when husbands and wives can live life with full emotional love
tanks and reach out to accomplish their potential as individuals and as couples. I dream of
day when children can grow up in homes filled with love and security, where children's
developing energies can be channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the love
they did not receive at home.
You cannot force someone to accept an expression of love. You can only offer it. If it is not
accepted, you must respect the other person's decision.
Our natural tendency in the middle of winter is to avoid the elements as much as possible.
When the weather turns frigid, we retreat inside for survival and wait for it to warm up or for
the season to change. In a winter marriage, there may be a similar tendency to "avoid the
elements." Spouses may withdraw within themselves, hunkering down and trying to ride out
the cold season, hoping for spring but not taking any positive steps to move their marriage
toward spring. However, unlike the natural seasons, the seasons of a marriage do not
typically change without some positive action - unless it's a change from bad to worse.
Quality time does not mean we must spend our moments gazing into each other's eyes. It
may mean doing something together that we both enjoy. The particular activity is secondary,
only a means to creating the sense of togetherness. The important thing is not the activity
itself but the emotions that are created between both.
Love is the fundamental building block of all human relationships. It will greatly impact our
values and morals. Love is the important ingredient in one's search for meaning.