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Funny quotes page 1



God gave men both a penis and a brain, but only enough blood supply to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come
down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson

I'm half-Irish, half-Dutch and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog - I'd be in a hell of a mess!
Audrey Hepburn

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the
universe.
Albert Einstein

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Sir Winston Churchill

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if
you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
Muhammad Ali

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better.
Sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner

I was flattered to have a rose named after me until I read the description in the catalogue:
No good in a bed, but perfect up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a
stranger.
Franklin P. Jones

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learns by reading. The few who learn by
observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will Rogers

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while
I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Jackie Mason

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
Emo Philips

England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
Jackie Mason

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tommy Cooper

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his
eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and
been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris jokes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to work in a Rolls Royce to get advice from
those who take the subway.
Warren Buffett

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and had to give the kids nicotine gum.
David Letterman

Intuition is the strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.
Oscar Wilde

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean
and sex was dirty.
George Burns

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
Bill Cosby

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
Margaret Thatcher

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the
Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever
he's praying for, he's already got!
Jackie Mason

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the
game.
Chris Rock

Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give
you opportunity to commit more.
Mark Twain

When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the
shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.
Joan Rivers

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is
my roof?"
Steven Wright

I was married once - in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great
earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which
proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W. C. Fields

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years
older already.
Milton Berle

If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
Woody Allen

Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other
eighty-five percent would rather die than think.
Thomas A. Edison

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the
idea.
Robert A. Heinlein

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