Funny quotes part II

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with, "Who
could have done this? We have no enemies."
Phyllis Diller

A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite and leaves one quite
unsatisfied. What more can one want?
Oscar Wilde

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant

If you want to cut your own throat, don't come to me for a bandage.
Margaret Thatcher

My husband refuses to try anything on. Even shoes. He just holds the box up to the light
and say, "Yeah, these fit fine."
Rita Rudner

I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
Joan Rivers

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people
died.
Steven Wright

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: "I'm leaving you all
my money." The nephew said: "Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?" He said: "Get your
foot off my oxygen tube."
Tommy Cooper

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a
beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
David Letterman

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find
your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.
Dorothy Parker

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being
spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips

If God would have wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

- Superman don't need no seat belt.
- Superman don't need no airplane, either.
Muhammad Ali, flight attendant

New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
Robert Orben

Nice party! I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.
Naked Gun 2 1/2, 1991

Life is full of censorship. I can't spit in your eye.
Katharine Hepburn

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a
butler.
W. C. Fields

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence
which could support this.
Bertrand Russell

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Roy Chubby Brown

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho Marx

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with
your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able
to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man
again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
George Orwell

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
Frank Zappa

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can get fired by someone wearing a
Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off,
wouldn't you?
Garrison Keillor

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.
Bertrand Russell

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopedia
Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more
"numinous" than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Carl Sagan

It is well-known that the friend of a conqueror is but the last victim.
Isaac Asimov

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns?" Congressional hearing. "Oh, my
God, that nigger said "gun", and he rhymed it with "fun!"
Chris Rock

Last week some guy pulled a knife on me, but I could tell it wasn't a real professional job.
There was still butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks. It says, "Goodbye."
Frank Sinatra

The average newspaper, especially of the better sort, has the intelligence of a hillbilly
evangelist, the courage of a rat, the fairness of a prohibitionist boob-jumper, the information
of a high school janitor, the taste of a designer of celluloid valentines, and the honor of a
police-station lawyer.
H. L. Mencken

Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs (gynaecologists) aren't
able to practice their love with women all across this country.
George W. Bush

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