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Funny quotes part II

My son has taken up meditation. At least it's better than sitting and doing nothing.
Max Kauffmann

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.
Nancy Banks-Smith

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

I'm terrified of dying in a plane crash. I hate the thought that peanuts would be my last meal.
Tanya Luckerath

Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.
Ray Mancini

There's no smoking in restaurants in Los Angeles. Which is a bit ironic, considering that you
can't breathe the air outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
Greg Proops

I like animals as much as the next guy, but if I'm hungry, I'll eat a panda sandwich.
Howard Stern

The Chinese just put a man in space. They didn't use a rocket: They stood on each other's
shoulders and passed him up.
Al Murray

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera
down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
Paul Rodriguez

I thought I had PMS, but my doctor said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news
is, you don't have PMS. The bad news is, you're a bitch."
Rhonda Bates

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
Francois Morency

My love life is so bad I'm taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in
the semi-finals.
Guy Bellamy

People who say money can't buy you happiness just don't know where to shop.
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Watching your daughter being collected by her date is like handing over a million-dollar
Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop

I was on the subway sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes up and says, "Are you reading
that?" I didn't know what to say, so I just said, ""Yes," stood up, turned the page and sat
down again.
David Brenner

I was never my mother's favourite - and I was an only child.
Thomas Berger

Eloquence: the ability to describe Pamela Anderson without using one's hands.
Michael Harkness

A man was mugged and lay bleeding to death by the side of the road. A social worker passed
by and said, "Tell me the name of the person who did this to you. He needs help immediately."
Murray Watts

Too many cooks spoil the brothel.
Polly Adler

Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of getting men to put the toilet lid down.
Jeff Green

The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
Sarah Brown

It's official. I'm middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore. I can get the same effect just by
standing up real fast.
Jonathan Katz

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think,
they'll hate you.
Donald Robert Perry Marquis

My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Hal Roach

I'm so obsessive about the way I look. I spend a lot of time just staring in the mirror. No
wonder I get in so many traffic accidents.
Tanya Luckerath

If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last
Helen Mundis

Ecstasy is a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance.
Lenny Henry

If it's a girl, my wife wants to call her Sue. A lovely name, but one which, for Jews, is generally
a verb.
Dennis Wolfberg

A good sermon should be like a woman's kirt: Short enough to rouse the interest, but long
enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair
closer to the one we have already.
Wendy Liebman

Robinson's Law: The guy you beat out of a prime parking space is the one you have to see
for a job interview.
Cal Robinson

I've been smoking for 30 years now and there's nothing wrong with my lung.
Freddie Starr

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