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Funny quotes part II

After washing twelve pairs of feet, the crucifixion must have been a pushover.
Alan Bennett

Aren't air fresheners very confusing for blind people? Pine forest? I though this was the loo!
Bowl of oranges? Where's my mini-cab?
Harry Hill

They say the movies should be more like life. I think life should be more like the movies.
Myrna Loy

Show me a man who is a good loser, and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
Jim Murray

A diplomat is a person who can be disarming, even if his country isn't.
Sidney Brody

Men talk to women so they can sleep with them, and women sleep with men so they can talk
to them.
Jay McInerney

If God loves us all so much, how come he never makes rain taste minty? So everyone can
have fresh breath.
Bob Odenkirk

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

There are no atheists on a turbulent aircraft.
Erica Young

Love is loving someone no matter what their faults are in a blind and unconditional way. Like
the love Tony Blair has for George Bush.
Hugh Grant

I'm half-Catholic and half-Jewish. When I go to confession, I take my lawyer with me.
Ed Mann

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Joseph Cossman

My voice sounds like a mafiosi pallbearer.
Sylvester Stallone

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more
John Quinton

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "shut up."
Joe Namath

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.
Norm Crosby

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
Jim Loy

There is a new dictionary for masochists. It lists all the words but not in alphabetical order.
Frank Tyger

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy
with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Helen Rowland

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.
Patrick Murray

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married
Gene Perret

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
John Peers

To his dog, every man is Napoleon - hence the constant popularity of dogs.
Aldous Huxley

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that
Steven Wrights

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked.
They must reckon toilet paper is worth more than money.
Joey Bishop

The Pope. Great guy. But in a fashion sense, he's one hat away from being the Grand Wizard
of the Ku Klux Klan.
Jon Stewart

I moved to Los Angeles, and I miss so many things from the real world that they don't have
here, like ageing, pride, and dignity.
Greg Poops

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Greg King

A lot of people criticize supermodels and I think that's very unfair, because they can't answer
Jo Brand

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman
is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
Kevin Costner

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.
Bobcat Goldthwait

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

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