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Funny quotes part II

When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off
the piano.
Bob Hope

I'm a tidy sort of bloke. I don't like chaos. I kept records in the record rack, tea in the tea
caddy, and pot in the pot box.
George Harrison

There's a woman in the United States who predicted the plane we were traveling on would
crash. Now, a lot of people would like to think we were scared into saying a prayer. What we
did actually - we drank.
Ringo Starr

I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less
than my wife.
Henry Youngman

- So, what should we call you, gay or lesbian?
- How about Ellen?
Ellen DeGeneres

I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
Mike Tyson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

The difference between machines and human beings is that human beings can be reproduced
by unskilled labor.
Arthur C. Clarke

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
Mel Brooks

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how
we took them along on all our picnics.
Bill Vaughan

The word "good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at
a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
G. K. Chesterton

You can put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle.
Bill Clinton

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a
couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.
Lucy Liu

If women ran the world, there would not be wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams

My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the
first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.
Elizabeth Taylor

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
Doug Larson

I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy because your best prospects
never answered.
Bob Monkhouse

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would
have to wait till Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
Ronald Reagan

Sunday school: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
H. L. Mencken

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now!
Douglas Adams

My wife gives good headache.
Rodney Dangerfield

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C
students, I say you too may one day be President of the United States.
George W. Bush

God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.
Jonathan Winters

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wears a dress
that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and 30 days later looks like a well-dressed
Erma Bombeck

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of
another boy.
Woody Allen

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
Richard Bach

I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white beard and am sitting in the
back of the theater, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the
cheap seats, not Mount Sinai.
Orson Welles

I do not understand why, when I ask for grilled lobster in a restaurant, I'm never served a
cooked telephone.
Salvador Dali

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of
those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck?
Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
Bill Hicks

There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done:
School and prison.
William Glasser

I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I have never had
time for tobacco since.
Arturo Toscanini

Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.
Bob Davies

The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting progressively poorer.
Joan Collins

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