Funny quotes part II
When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed
his name off
tidy sort of bloke. I don't like chaos. I kept records in the record rack, tea in the tea
caddy, and pot in the pot box.
woman in the United States who predicted the plane we were traveling on would
crash. Now, a lot of people would like to think we were scared into saying a prayer. What we
did actually - we drank.
I had my
credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less
than my wife.
what should we call you, gay or lesbian?
- How about Ellen?
sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.
never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
difference between machines and human beings is that human beings can be reproduced
by unskilled labor.
Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will
remember with gratitude how
we took them along on all our picnics.
"good" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at
a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle.
I got a
job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a
couple of screws onto the seats.
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.
If women ran the world, there would not be wars, just intense
negotiations every 28 days.
My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was
born, but when I did, the
first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.
trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy
because your best prospects
said, "Let there be light," and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would
have to wait till Thursday to be connected.
is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
school: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now!
My wife gives good headache.
To those of you who received honors,
awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C
students, I say you too may one day be President of the United States.
God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.
Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial
of a woman who wears a dress
that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and 30 days later looks like a well-dressed
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't
come to yours.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics
exam: I looked into the soul of
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is
finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white
beard and am sitting in the
back of the theater, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the
cheap seats, not Mount Sinai.
I do not understand why, when I ask for grilled lobster in a
restaurant, I'm never served a
How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are
doing? Seventy percent. Of
those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck?
Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to
School and prison.
I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I have never had
time for tobacco since.
Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.
The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting progressively poorer.