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Funny quotes part II

I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
Rodney Dangerfield

When Sophia Loren is naked, that is a lot of nakedness.
Sophia Loren

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams

It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers

In India, "cold weather" is merely a phrase to distinguish between weather which will melt a
brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy.
Mark Twain

My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whiskey. I am always drunk but I can see
for miles.
Roy Chubby Brown

- My uncle fell through a trap door and broke his neck.
- Was he building a house?
- No, they were hanging him.
Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy

Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
Ambrose Bierce

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he
saluted, he killed himself.
Henry Youngman

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep
in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Jay Leno

I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house.
Bono

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

Somebody said to me, "But the Beatles were anti-materialistic." That's a huge myth. John and
I literally used to sit down and say, "Now, let's write a swimming pool."
Paul McCartney

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris jokes

I envy kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets
into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.
Rita Rudner

- Homer, are you coming with us to the book fair?
- If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
Marge and Homer Simpson

One way to solve all the traffic problems would be to keep all the cars that aren't paid for off
the streets.
Will Rogers

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being
recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives
me away.
Stephen Hawking

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a
Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturdaynight.
Woody Allen

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
Voltaire

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
Kin Hubbard

Our gardner passed away. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming the elaborate
hedge maze. The paramedics never stood a chance.
Frasier, 1993

Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.
Robert Byrne

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a
supermarket when the cashier opens another check-out line.
Ann Landers

There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on the streets. Well, there's so
much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?
George Carlin

Mr. Speaker, I withdraw my statement that half the cabinet are asses - half the cabinet are
not asses.
Benjamin Disraeli

I lent a friend of mine ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he
looks like.
Emo Philips

It turns you into two people: One of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and
say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then
you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my
house! Go on, get out! And leave a tip!"
Dylan Moran, on whiskey

The computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini.
Evan Esar

Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
Ambrose Bierce

"One thing leads to another?" Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask
an addict.
George Carlin

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in
hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
Robert A. Heinlein

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