Funny quotes part II
I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
When Sophia Loren is naked, that is a lot of nakedness.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.
In India, "cold weather" is merely a phrase to distinguish between weather which will melt a
brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy.
My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whiskey. I am always drunk but I can see
Roy Chubby Brown
- My uncle fell through a trap door and broke his neck.
- Was he building a house?
- No, they were hanging him.
Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy
Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he
saluted, he killed himself.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep
in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Somebody said to me, "But the Beatles were anti-materialistic." That's a huge myth. John and
I literally used to sit down and say, "Now, let's write a swimming pool."
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris jokes
kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets
into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.
are you coming with us to the book fair?
- If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
Marge and Homer
to solve all the traffic problems would be to keep all the cars that aren't paid for off
downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being
recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives
raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a
Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturdaynight.
did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
gardner passed away. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming the elaborate
hedge maze. The paramedics never stood a chance.
good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.
Do not take life too seriously. You will
never get out of it alive.
who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a
supermarket when the cashier opens another check-out line.
There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on
the streets. Well, there's so
much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?
Mr. Speaker, I withdraw my statement that
half the cabinet are asses - half the cabinet are
I lent a
friend of mine ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he
you into two people: One of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and
say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then
you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my
house! Go on, get out! And leave a tip!"
Dylan Moran, on
computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini.
Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
"One thing leads to another?" Not always. Sometimes one
thing leads to the same thing. Ask
Happiness is seeing the muscular
lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in
hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell
you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.