Funny quotes page 8
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all the others.
Women want to be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to
be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. Men just want tickets for the cup final.
Fame means when your computer modem is broken, the repair guy comes out to your house a
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
The President boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of
Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear
to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and
If there was an observer on Mars, they would probably be amazed that we have survived this
There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we
have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from
this? Darwin was wrong.
When Al Gore gives a fireside chat, the fire goes out.
It's tough. After five years of marriage, it's difficult to lose the one with the good credit card
I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriage. Every married couple I know has
the same sex all the time.
I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about being
dead and everyone there will know there is something worse than death.
There are so many Smiths about because Smiths were very good at picking
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, remember that approximately
one billion Chinese people couldn't care less.
He had a smile on his face but it was about as thin as airline coffee.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats
me like toxic waste.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.
I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and she realized I
didn't understand, she had to explain: "That's like three Mercedes." Then I understood.
I am still looking for a pair of training shoes that will make running on streets seem like
running barefoot across the bosoms of maidens.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Americans are people who laugh at African witch doctors and spend 100 million dollars on
L. L. Levinson
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess
it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian and we're very sceptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.