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Funny quotes page 8

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
Nicole Hollander

My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all the others.
Granni Nazzano

Women want to be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to
be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. Men just want tickets for the cup final.
Dave Berry

Fame means when your computer modem is broken, the repair guy comes out to your house a
little faster.
Sandra Bullock

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
Fred Allen

The President boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of
Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear
to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and
Bill Maher

If there was an observer on Mars, they would probably be amazed that we have survived this
Noam Chomsky

There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we
have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from
this? Darwin was wrong.
Mort Sahl

When Al Gore gives a fireside chat, the fire goes out.
Bob Dole

It's tough. After five years of marriage, it's difficult to lose the one with the good credit card
Rich Voss

I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriage. Every married couple I know has
the same sex all the time.
Jim Rosenberg

I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about being
dead and everyone there will know there is something worse than death.
Gary Numan

There are so many Smiths about because Smiths were very good at picking chastity belts.
Brendan Cooper

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, remember that approximately
one billion Chinese people couldn't care less.
Abraham Lazlo

He had a smile on his face but it was about as thin as airline coffee.
Kinky Friedman

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats
me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and she realized I
didn't understand, she had to explain: "That's like three Mercedes." Then I understood.
Brooke Shields

I am still looking for a pair of training shoes that will make running on streets seem like
running barefoot across the bosoms of maidens.
Dave Brosnan

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
Robert Benchley

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people
August Strindberg

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Aldous Huxley

Americans are people who laugh at African witch doctors and spend 100 million dollars on fake
L. L. Levinson

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because
it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Eric Sykes

I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian and we're very sceptical.
Arthur C. Clarke

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Herb Cohen

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