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Funny quotes page 7

I've told my wife, if I ever need cardiac surgery, get me the heart of a movie mogul. It's
never been used.
Jack Columbo

An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with
a lighted match.
Fred Allen

You have to be pretty special to be able to cheapen TV any further. I can't take credit for
that. It's like finding a way of making the sun hotter.
Jerry Springer

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison

I think the expression, "It's a small world" is really a euphemism for, "I keep running into
people I can't stand."
Brock Cohen

The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation. Boy, it didn't
take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?
Bill Maher

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year
we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
Les Dawson

I would never have taken up painting if women did not have breasts.
Pierre Auguste Renoir

- You're a high-priced lawyer! If I gave you 500$, will you answer two questions for me?
- Absolutely. What's the second question?
Hal Burton

Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency. She thinks I play the piano in a
whorehouse.
Jacques Seguela

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
Charles Pierce

The great thing about Glasgow now is that if there is a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the
same afterwards.
Billy Connolly

You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Hy Gardner

Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President.
One hopes it is the same half.
Gore Vidal

In Arizona we have so little water that the trees chase the dogs.
Barry Goldwater, Senator

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at
a white man without starting a riot.
Dick Gregory

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Fred Allen

To the question on the US visa form, "Is it your intention to subvert the Government of the
United States by force?" I answered: Sole purpose of visit.
Gilbert Harding

I'm being shown around this house and the realtor says, "It's got a great view." And I'm
thinking, for the money they're asking, I'd better open up the curtains and see breasts
against the window.
Garry Shandling

More people will get out of your way if you say, "I'm about to puke!" than if you say, "Excuse
me."
Sally Berger

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage.
Mark Russell

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest
of his life.
Terry Pratchett

If you want people to think you are wise, just agree with them.
Leo Rosten

I can't figure out why Columbia isn't a superpower by now. They produce coffee and cocaine,
so it's not like they can't figure out how to motivate the workforce.
Margot Black

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