Funny quotes page 7
I've told my wife, if I ever need cardiac surgery, get me the heart of a movie mogul.
never been used.
An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with
a lighted match.
You have to be pretty special to be able to cheapen TV any further. I can't take credit for
that. It's like finding a way of making the sun hotter.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I think the expression, "It's a small world" is really a euphemism for, "I keep running into
people I can't stand."
The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation. Boy, it didn't
take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year
we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
I would never have taken up painting if women did not have breasts.
Pierre Auguste Renoir
- You're a high-priced lawyer! If I gave you 500$, will you answer two questions for me?
- Absolutely. What's the second question?
Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency. She thinks I play the piano in a
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
The great thing about Glasgow now is that if there is a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President.
One hopes it is the same half.
In Arizona we have so little water that the trees chase the dogs.
Barry Goldwater, Senator
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at
a white man without starting a riot.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
To the question on the US visa form, "Is it your intention to subvert the Government of the
United States by force?" I answered: Sole purpose of visit.
I'm being shown around this house and the realtor says, "It's got a great view." And I'm
thinking, for the money they're asking, I'd better open up the curtains and see breasts
against the window.
More people will get out of your way if you say, "I'm about to puke!" than if you say, "Excuse
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest
of his life.
If you want people to think you are wise, just agree with them.
I can't figure out why Columbia isn't a superpower by now. They produce coffee and cocaine,
so it's not like they can't figure out how to motivate the workforce.