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Funny quotes page 6

Once I walked out of a bathroom stall at O'Hare Airport, and three women applauded.
That's when I knew: I am famous.
Oprah Winfrey

Graham Sutherland's portrait of me makes me look as if I was having a difficult stool.
Sir Winston Churchill

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!
Yogi Berra

The monkey is an organized sarcasm upon the human race.
Henry Ward Beecher

A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the
Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
Russell Baker

My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said, "I want
that." So I cut it out and gave it to her.
Tommy Cooper

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe.
Dan Quayle

I've just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
Henry Youngman

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and
screaming like the passengers in his car.
Bob Monkhouse

Dogs have a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with
other men. There is a three-year waiting list.
Yakov Smirnoff

My husband said he needed more space - so I locked him outside.
Roseanne Barr

Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet
French meal for a Labrador Retriever.
Dave Barry

I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian and we're very sceptical.
Arthur C. Clarke

Arnold Schwarzenegger's body is like a condom full of walnuts.
Clive James

Every family should have at least three children. Then, if one of them turns out to be genius,
the other two can support him.
George Coote

Bill Gates is only a white persian cat and a monocle away from being the villain in a James
Bond movie.
Dennis Miller

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried
to contact us.
Bill Watterson

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steak.
Pierre Renoir

The only advantage I have found to being jewish is that I can be openly anti-Semitic.
Kirk Douglas

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot, but the guy who invented the other three,
now he was a genius.
Sid Caesar

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket
was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on one another, so now it's just a waiting game.
Bill Dwyer

I spend money with reckless abandon. I spent 5,000$ on a seminar about reincarnation. I got
to thinking, what the hell, you only live once.
Ronnie Shakes

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for the
entire weekend.
Zenna Schaffer

You can get a lot farther with a kind word and a gun than a kind word alone.
Al Capone

There's a scene in Thunderball when I'm in the shower and James Bond walks in. I say, "Pass
me something to slip on." And he passes me my slippers.
Luciana Paluzzi

Ever wondered about those people who spend 2$ a throw on those little bottles of Evian
water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
Jon Stewart

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Robert Benchley

I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I
realized it was darts.
Hattie Hayridge

Everything at IKEA is self-assembly. I bought a pillow and they gave me a duck.
Todd Glass

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have
room for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen

I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pitbull. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring
it back to me.
Wanda Lane

My favourite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow,
you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most of the world it is known as the
biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter.
Michael Ventre

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade
another country.
Elayne Boosler

Hollywood is a place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
Walter Winchell

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Being an astronomer is a very noble profession, but it does leave you at rather a loose end
during the day.
Patrick Moore

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby

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