Funny quotes page 5
The English country gentleman galloping after the fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of
When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, "It's in the script." If
he says, "But what's my motivation?" I say, "Your salary."
I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before
the room was dark.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
If there's an atomic war, this country will be flattened in three minutes. Good. Time to f***
the wife. Twice.
Roy Chubby Brown
They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.
An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is
much wiser than most men.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently, I owe them 800$. So I sent them a letter back. I
said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very
own latest government Pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He said, "Were a brown tie."
I love Thanksgiving turkey. It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Victoria Beckham speaks two languages - English and Gucci.
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and
begin slitting throats.
H. L. Mencken
Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope
I never get into that.
I approach reading reviews the way some people anticipate anal warts.
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go
wrong in the domestic circle.
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of
the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the
basic building block of the universe.
If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.
George W. Bush
I wonder how far Moses would have gone if he'd taken a poll in Egypt? What would Jesus
Christ have preached if he'd taken a poll in the land of Israel? Where would the Reformation
have gone if Martin Luther had taken a poll?
Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the
bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.
I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress
The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine.
P. G. Wodehouse
You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
George Bernard Shaw
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent
will do it for you.
It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position
similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens
for the echo.
P. G. Wodehouse
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident, it makes you wonder about
All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
The best advice I was ever given was on my twenty-first birthday when my father said,
"Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it."
My wife had plastic surgery. I cut up all her credit cards.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.