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Funny quotes page 5

The English country gentleman galloping after the fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the
uneatable.
Oscar Wilde

When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, "It's in the script." If
he says, "But what's my motivation?" I say, "Your salary."
Alfred Hitchcock

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before
the room was dark.
Muhammad Ali

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

If there's an atomic war, this country will be flattened in three minutes. Good. Time to f***
the wife. Twice.
Roy Chubby Brown

They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.
Ronald Reagan

An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is
much wiser than most men.
Charles Darwin

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently, I owe them 800$. So I sent them a letter back. I
said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very
own latest government Pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
Emo Philips

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He said, "Were a brown tie."
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Thanksgiving turkey. It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Victoria Beckham speaks two languages - English and Gucci.
Nicola Zweig

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and
begin slitting throats.
H. L. Mencken

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope
I never get into that.
Bill Clinton

I approach reading reviews the way some people anticipate anal warts.
Roseanne Barr

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go
wrong in the domestic circle.
Ambrose Bierce

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of
the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the
basic building block of the universe.
Frank Zappa

If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.
George W. Bush

I wonder how far Moses would have gone if he'd taken a poll in Egypt? What would Jesus
Christ have preached if he'd taken a poll in the land of Israel? Where would the Reformation
have gone if Martin Luther had taken a poll?
Harry Truman

Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
Joan Rivers

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Theodore Roosevelt

There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the
bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.
Woody Allen

I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress
meets.
Will Rogers

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine.
P. G. Wodehouse

You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to
commit.
Oscar Wilde

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
George Bernard Shaw

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent
will do it for you.
Mark Twain

It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position
similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens
for the echo.
P. G. Wodehouse

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident, it makes you wonder about
history.
Dave Barry

All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.
Ronald Reagan

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

The best advice I was ever given was on my twenty-first birthday when my father said,
"Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it."
Josh Billings

My wife had plastic surgery. I cut up all her credit cards.
Henry Youngman

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington

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